I originally shared the content below on my Facebook profile (on the date in the Title). To understand more about the “Facebook Memory” posts, please read About: This Blog. Click here to see a full list of the Morgan Facebook Memories.
Lots on my mind today. Today should’ve been Morgan’s 4 month “b-day”.
I wonder what milestones he would have hit by now, how big he would’ve been, and how different he would’ve looked. It blows my mind how much he changed just in the pictures we have – and they were only taken over a span of 4 days! Mostly I wonder what his smile would’ve looked like. Some days I think I can imagine it, some days it eludes me. One more thing I’m looking forward to discovering in heaven one day.
But something else has been on my mind, and I’ve been debating sharing it, so bear with me. It’s about upcoming April Fools Day.
You see, we found out we were expecting Morgan last year on April 1st (2018). That also happened to be Easter. It was a crazy wonderful day because we had been trying to get pregnant for over half a year, and we finally got that beautiful positive test – on Easter of all days!
I woke up early to take the test before Andrew woke up – I had a feeling it would be positive this time. I even had a funny little “card” printed out and ready to tell Andrew he was gonna be a daddy – complete with tiny baby socks to complete the humor of the announcement (see pic below).
I remember going to church with all my excitement bottled up because I “couldn’t” say anything yet since it was so early. I loved how memorable that day was – our launching point for our new adventure as parents to this already so-loved and so-wanted little Tater Tot.
I never expected that April 1st would also be the 4 month anniversary of Morgan’s death. It’s a cruel joke to be sure – that in one year that day could go from one of the most exciting days of my life, to one of the perpetual worsts.
I know in future years, the joy of “the day we found out” will outweigh the sadness. But it still stings, particularly this first time. Yet another bittersweet thing with conflicting emotions.
But the one thing about this upcoming memory/anniversary that is sticking out to me right now isn’t about “discovering” or losing Morgan. It’s that Andrew’s first reaction was “are you joking?”
It was April Fools Day. Sure, it was early in the morning and I woke him up out of a dead sleep to tell him because I was so excited. But even in his just-woken-up state, his first concern was that it was a joke. That bothered me then, and it especially bothers me now.
Which brings me to my “point”: Pregnancy should never be a joke, particularly on social media. Too many people can be hurt by belittling the miracle and gift of pregnancy.
1 in 4 women have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility or are trying to get pregnant. That means we all know MULTIPLE people who struggle with these difficult things, whether they share the details publicly or not.
I can personally relate to both of these statistics. I was in the “trying to get pregnant” boat for 7 months (which I realize isn’t a very long time to be trying, but it felt like forever to me at the time). Trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster as you perpetually swing from hope to sadness every couple weeks. It was hard seeing announcements on FB during that time when I so desperately wanted to be pregnant, too.
Now I have a baby in heaven, and every day (heck, every hour) is an emotional rollercoaster. Consequently, I’m still keenly aware of baby announcements on social media. Each one is so very precious because my friends are expecting their little miracle, and I’m SO beyond excited for them. But each one stings a little, too.
I hate having mixed emotions over something that’s supposed to be so beautiful and pure. It’s not that I’m jealous/envious – I want MY baby, not yours. It’s not even “why me?” – I wouldn’t wish this reality on ANYONE in my stead. It’s more that I’m reminded of how excited I was in their shoes. It’s that I’m reminded of the squishy little boy I miss so bad. It’s knowing joy can so suddenly turn to sorrow.
It sucks, these conflicting emotions. But that’s the reality I’m in right now. And I’m learning to cope with having multiple, seemingly incompatible emotions at the same time.
So that is why I say pregnancy should never be joked about.
To be fair, I’ve NEVER seen any of my friends do this, which is why I debated sharing these thoughts. But I’ve heard of people doing this, and the idea of it kills me. So I feel it worth sharing – because it’s especially important to me now that I’m so very aware of how pregnancy announcements can be hard for some people (even when they’re real, not jokes). So this is mostly to spread awareness in general.
I love you all. Especially those of you expecting babies or who have had babies recently. I may not be very vocal on your posts, but I AM excited for you, praying for healthy pregnancies, and happy/sad oogling over your adorable baby photos.
