I originally shared the content below on my Facebook profile (on the date in the Title). To understand more about the “Facebook Memory” posts, please read About: This Blog. Click here to see a full list of the Morgan Facebook Memories.
My Joy in Baking…
Most of you know I love to bake and cook. I like to say “food is my love language.” So you know I love you if I feed you.
For the last couple years Andrew and I have had Koch’s in the Kitchen LLC through which I’ve done some catering and lots of baking (Andrew did the dishes, for which he is a superhero). It was a hobby I enjoyed and was able to get paid a little to do (though I feel like I paid more in taxes than I actually made haha). It was exciting to have a “side job” doing what I consider to be one of my passions.
Losing the Joy…
People have asked me recently if I’m still catering. The answer is no. It’s probably no surprise to hear that I haven’t had the energy or motivation to pursue it since Morgan died. Normal day-to-day living takes up all my energy. My brain is always foggy. I take things one day at a time. Consequently I have a hard time making plans more than a couple days in advance. So all the effort it takes to plan, shop, prep, and cook for a catering gig is simply not within my capacity right now.
It’s also been a while since I’ve decorated a cake. The last one I made was Morgan’s gender reveal cake last September (2018). I simply haven’t had the motivation or the desire to make a decorated cake since then. It’s been too emotional. It felt like I lost that part of myself when Morgan died…like all the joy I had in baking was gone. I had so many dreams of making him fun birthday cakes, having him help me in the kitchen, and sharing my love of cooking and baking with him. (I may have also dreamt of him being in one of those kids baking competitions on the Food Network haha)
Even though I had no desire to bake or cook after Morgan’s death, I realized it would probably come back eventually. I was sure the joy in baking would come back in its own time. I’ve been saying, “I bet I’ll just wake up one morning and want to bake a cake. So when that happens, I’ll bake a cake.”
But after some reflection, I’ve concluded that I no longer have the desire to cater. I simply don’t have the drive or interest anymore to have that as a “side job”. So Koch’s in the Kitchen is no more. It was a good run – about 2 years. Maybe I’ll bring it back again sometime down the road, but for now I am trying to rediscover the joy I used to have in cooking and baking. I’m trying to rediscover “me.”
Finding the Joy…
A couple weeks ago I was invited to a “2nd heavenly birthday party” for a sweet little boy in Heaven – Imais. I met his mama through a local grief/support group for mothers who’ve experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, and/or infertility.
And suddenly it hit me out of nowhere….motivation to bake. Like that part of me that died with Morgan sprung back to life with a real purpose. I thought to myself, “I’m gonna make Imais a birthday cake!” So I messaged my friend and asked if I could bake her son a cake. Turns out she was already getting a cake from another friend, but they ran out of cake the year before and were thinking about getting two cakes this year! It was meant to be! So she ended up with two cakes baked by two friends for her son’s second heavenly birthday party. Pretty poetic.
So this past weekend I had the honor of baking a cake for Imais. Sunday, July 14th was his second birthday. It was a joy to both attend and contribute to his birthday party. His family loves him so much. And even though Imais’ time on Earth was short, they enthusiastically celebrate his life and the impact he continues to have on the world.
It was a mixture of emotions to bake this cake… I poured so much love into it because I love thinking about Morgan being friends with Imais in Heaven.
Heavenly Birthday Cakes
This experience has inspired me to use my love of baking as a way to serve other bereaved parents. The “Bereaved Parents Club” is a club that no one wants to belong to. Most people probably can’t tolerate thinking about losing a child for more than a few seconds – I know that was ME eight months ago.
I’m learning that these people who are unwillingly initiated into this club are amazing, strong, huge-hearted, empathetic people. They’ve lived out their worst nightmare, and they’ve survived. They’re warriors. They fight for their children to be remembered. They fight for their children’s memories to have purpose and significance. They fight for the right to grieve in a culture that often seems to have no room for the painfully uncomfortable reality of child loss. Every day, they fight to put one foot in front of the other.
So I want to help them fight their fight by baking birthday cakes for their children in Heaven. I want to help normalize the act of celebrating the life of a child who was loved and lost. They were here. They mattered. And by golly they deserve to have a birthday cake!
So I’m entering a new chapter in my baking adventures! I’m not sure specifically where it’s going, but in the meantime… enjoy the pictures of the cake I made for Imais. The pictures don’t quite do it justice – it sparkled on top. 🙂
Happy Birthday, Imais. Thanks for bringing back my joy in baking. Give Morgan a high-five for me. <3
NOTE: Imais is one of the sweet babies with Morgan on The Wall of Joy memorial. To learn more about the memorial, click here.
